Dear baby sister,

Last week you graduated from high school. 

I am so, so proud of you. For 12 years, you have persevered through tests, exams, studies, classes, teachers, friend drama, boys, stress, and much, much more. I have watched you grow into a beautiful, talented, gracious, and well-rounded young lady. You are so loved and admired, and everything you touch turns to gold. You are inspring to me in so many ways, and I just wanted you to know that I am bursting with pride and love for you. 

Happy graduation, dearest! 

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InstaLife: May 2013 // and the beginning of June too...

Can you believe it's June already??

May was a difficult month, a long + difficult month. 

But it was a good one too, a good + necessary month. 

There was some cat-walking, some encouragement, some swimming and sun fun, and lots of driving. 

There were some cute clothes, some writing about what hurts, some more encouragement, and a reunion with a Korea-forever-friend. 

There was a #Tramdateday to the Boon Fly Cafe and Heart's Desire Beach at Tomales Bay State Park. 

I celebrated a dear friend who received her Master's degree, started running, geeked out to Star Trek, and received the CUTEST early anniversary present from the hubs. 

I celebrated my baby sister who is GRADUATING FROM HIGHSCHOOL this week. 

And then I felt old about it. 

And then I celebrated our 6th anniversary. 

John and I started a tradition last year (on our 5th anniversary) that we would both write a letter to each other every year on our anniversary, and that letter would not get to be opened and read until the following year's anniversary. So last year we wrote our first letters, and this year we got to read them and then write letters to open and read next year. It's a beautiful tradition and yes, John's letter made me cry. It's a lovely thing to look back and reflect on the past year, see how we've each grown, and look forward and hope for our future. 

Here's to 6 years of marriage, to my graduating sister, to the beginning of summer, 

and here's to hope! 

Follow along with me on Instragram, @ferial 

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Love >> Hope >> Courage

Thank you. 

Thank you for reading my PCOS post. 

Thank you for caring, for your encouraging words, and for your prayers. 

I feel so loved and supported, and I'm so grateful to have you all in my life. I know that the sadness will come again, but right now I feel loved, hopeful and am trying to be courageous. 

God knew I needed the encouragement. And He used you. 

He also sent encouragement in the form of Hillsong United and their song, Take Heart. 

Have you heard it? It's so good. 

As I listened to the song, a few lines stuck out to me. 

Take heart // Let His love lead us through the night // Hold on to hope // Take courage again

And that's exactly how it works, isn't it? 

His LOVE gives us HOPE, and "hope does not disappoint" but brings COURAGE. 

BUT, 

it has to be in that order. 

If we try and be courageous without the hope that is provided through Jesus Christ by the love of the Father, then we fail all together. 

I want that true courage. 

And I would so appreciate your prayers, dear friends + family, as John and I pursue courage in the face of the struggle that is infertility. 

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It's time.

I haven't wanted to write this blog post. 

I've put it off for almost a year. 

But, it has become evident that God wants me to write it and put it out there. 

He's used dear friends, random occurrences, blog posts, and Scripture to show me that my story is important--and thought it is difficult, it's time to get it out. 

Last year I wrote a blog post called "Someday Baby". 

I wrote about having "baby fever" and our thoughts on starting a family. 

Well, it's been over two years now since those first thoughts of excitement and fear--wondering if I was pregnant, lively discussions over baby names, Pinterest pins, and hopes for the future. 

Two years. 

You see, I have PCOS. 

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. 

I've done hours upon hours of research about this syndrome and I'm still not even really sure what's wrong with me. And you know what? That's how I feel. I feel like something is wrong with me. I mean, wasn't I created to do this? To birth children? To raise a family? To re-create? And yet, somehow, I'm broken. 

I apologize for the negativity. That's why I didn't want to do this--didn't want to write down these feelings. Because writing them down makes them more real; I have to feel these feelings all over again and as you may have realized by now, this sucks.

Last week we all celebrated Mother's Day. 

I had so many mothers to celebrate, especially my own. But I must admit that there was a big part of me that was fighting the sadness. Fighting the feelings of overwhelming despair and insufficiency. 

Will I ever be able to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother? 

Most days I don't feel the sad. Most days pass by normally, marriage and work and friends and church and cat and cleaning and music and cooking and crafting and driving and worship and life. But there are moments--holding a friend's sleeping child in my arms, watching a father twirl his little daughter, hearing a mother comfort her toddler at the store, seeing baby shoes--when my heart aches. 

And I'm not sure what the point of this blog post really is. I'm not depressed or insanely jealous or going crazy. I'm not sick or constantly worried or even unhappy with my life. I'm just currently not a mother, wanting to be, and experiencing confusion and heartache sometimes. 

And, I guess, I just wanted you to know. 

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Sudsy Thoughts

I do some of my best thinking whilst doing dishes. 

Tonight as I was sudsing along, I was thinking about one of my clients. 

She's a big time smoker. 

Multiple packs a day. 

She also had severe COPD and asthma. 

She's tried to quit many times, tried everything under the sun. 

She has a ton of people supporting her, keeping her accountable, 

and yet she knows nothing but failure. 

She's literally killing herself with every puff, but she just can't stop. 

I've found myself judging her recently. 

Why can't she just quit? She's killing herself! 

Her life could be SO much better if she'd just quit! 

Concerned, prideful thoughts. 

And then I thought: What's killing me? 

Pride? 

Sugar / fat intake? 

Gluttony? 

Lies? 

Impure thoughts? 

Jealousy / comparisons? 

Media absorption? 

Laziness? 

And the list goes on. 

There are so many favorite, pampered sins that I take puffs of--multiple packs a day. 

And it's killing me. 

"Have mercy on me, O God, 

according to your steadfast love; 

according to your abundant mercy

blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, 

and cleanse me from my sin!"

Psalm 51:1-2 

What an amazing realization to come to whilst doing dishes. 

I'm dirty like these dishes. 

Praise God that He's a good dishwasher. 

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Quotable: Eternal Sunshine

I was encouraged this week by this quote from this lovely lady's blog 

and thought that I'd pass it your way as well. 

I think I need to paint this quote on the ceiling above my bed

so that it's the first thing I see in the morning. 

Enjoy the eternal sunshine today, my friends. 

Praise Him! 

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A Foray Into Forgiveness

I'm a grudge holder.

I'm not proud of it, and I really am trying not to be.

And it's not to the point of high blood pressure or anything like that.

But, I remember everything, the good and the bad.

I was sitting in our church about a month ago, struggling to figure out why

I was having such a hard time worshipping during the musical set.

I didn't feel like singing, I was distracted,

and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't refocus my mind.

 Musical worship is a love of mine, but I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

This lasted a few weeks.

But in the moment, I didn't really notice.

It's interesting how we don't see our own destructive patterns

until after the fact.

Even if those patterns last long months or years.

In this past month, God confronted me with two people that He wanted me to forgive.

The first person I have not seen or talked to in a long time,

and honestly, I had thought that my bitterness towards them was long gone.

It was striking to discover that it was only buried,

and that the coals still burned fiery hot when the air touched them again.

The second person I had been harboring negative feelings towards

for the last few months, without realizing how big the bitterness had become.

With both people I was adamantly opposed to forgiving them.

I told God, "No."

I justified, made excuses, ignored, changed the subject,

and begged to be let off the hook.

I made sure to re-tell God about how crappy those people were to me

and how they didn't deserve my forgiveness.

And then God reminded me that

I didn't deserve HIS forgiveness. 

And that if I chose to withhold my forgiveness,

the evil would continue when I had the chance to stop it right there.

So, I did it.

Through much prayer,

I forgave.

And last Sunday at church,

I sang my heart out.

Click here to download this free printable I designed for the occasion. 

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, 

kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, 

if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; 

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive."
Colossians 3:12-13

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Guess who's back?

Tell a friend. 

Ferial-Shmerial is back. 

Well, at least I hope so. 

I've missed blogging and now that life has settled down a bit, 

I feel I can try and start posting regularly again. 

Let's re-cap, shall we? 

In the last 6 months, the hubs and I have: 

>> moved overseas

>> flew on an airplane with a cat!

>> moved in with my parents

>> had a dear friend visit us from Korea

>> gotten plugged back into our church

>> gotten job(s)

>> moved out of my parents house

>> bought a car

>> moved into our own cute little apartment

>> refinished a table

>> reunited with family and old friends

>> been homesick for Korea (often, actually)

We are happy. 

We have a cute little home, our fur baby, our family and friends, 

and so much to be thankful for. 

When I even think back to the stress and exhaustion of moving across the ocean again, 

I am overwhelmed by God's goodness and provision and just so thankful that we made it. 

We miss Korea (and our people there) something fierce. 

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and in those moments right before 

I open my eyes, I expect to see my room in Korea when I open them. 

These days, I'm missing my Korean commute a lot; 

that one-minute walk to work couldn't be beat. 

Nowadays, I've got a 30-minute drive to work in traffic. 

It really is such a beautiful road, though, and if I have to be stuck in traffic, 

it's the best place to be. 

A 30-minute commute certainly isn't anything to complain about either. 

Especially since I love my job. 

Yep, and there's no sarcasm in that sentence. 

I truly do love my job. 

I can't help but be SO THANKFUL to the Lord for providing me with this job. 

Jobs aren't exactly plentiful right now, 

and God not only provided me with full-time work that pays our bills, 

but with full-time work that I care about and enjoy. 

Thank you, Jesus. 

So, all that to say, I'm back. 

Back in California. 

Back to work. 

Back to blogging. 

Here's to 2013. 

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Photoshoot!

We've been "home" in Ammurica now for a little over 3 weeks now, and I feel like there is so much that I haven't blogged about yet! So, I'd like to play a bit of catch-up and post about our last few weeks in Korea, our travel adventures, and the beginnings of our transition back to living in the States. 

The hubs and I really wanted to be able to have our photos professionally taken before we left Korea. Firstly, because we hadn't had photos taken since our wedding day 5 years ago; and secondly, because we wanted photos to mark our time in Korea as it was coming to an end. 

Thankfully, we know this really wonderful photographer! Our sweet friend, Karen, was willing to photograph us in our natural Korean habitat. ^^ We had a blast taking photos with her, she has such an amazing eye and she is so creative! Not to mention, her editing is fantastic. Here are some of my favorite shots from our shoot: 

Thank you so much, Karen! 

We will treasure these photos forever! 

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Back-2-Cali & a Mug Swap

We made it! 

Here we are in California, with a lovely evening breeze blowing through my window and absolutely NO humidity to be felt! It is truly wonderful, and I had nearly forgotten what perfect weather feels like. 

The hubs and flew in on Thursday, and it could have been the worst trip of our lives. 

Firstly, we were being uprooted from our home for the last four years; leaving dear friends, our creatively put together nest, our jobs, our schedules and routines and all familiarities.

Secondly, we were flying home with our cat. 

30,000 feet in the air, for over 12 hours (including a layover in Vancouver), with our dear fur-baby. 

Thirdly, we had to pack and clean and pack and clean and train new teachers and pack and clean and move out of our little and loved apartment. 

Needless to say, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. 

And here is where I report that despite all of the obstacles in front of us, 

GOD WAS FAITHFUL TO US. So faithful! 

And even if the trip had been horrible, He would have still being faithful because He just can't stop being faithful, but the trip (all things considered) was FANTASTIC!
What could have been the worst 26-ish hours of our lives, turned out to be great! 

So, God was faithful and MERCIFUL! 

Our dearest and bestest friends in Korea drove us to the airport. 

That was not an easy goodbye. I mean, how in the world do you say goodbye to folks that you just love with your whole heart and then some? It was so hard, there were many tears, but I wouldn't have traded that time for anything. I was so glad to have them there, supporting us, praying with and for us, loving us, and sending us off. 

Moto, our dear fur-baby, did exceptionally well with the traveling, praise the Lord! 

This was the aspect of the trip that I was most worried about. Our dear cat is such a lovey thing, but he's also very vocal. I didn't want to be those people on the plane who had the cat who didn't shut up for the 10 hour flight and kept everyone awake. 

BUT, he did so great! He was meowy and uncomfortable, but once we were on the plane and in the air, I covered his travel bag with my blanket and he kept quiet. We were also sitting next to a dear old lady who loved animals and didn't mind the cat at all! 

OK, before this gets too long, I'll sum up the rest of our trip: 

We flew through Vancouver (Canadians are SO NICE!) and on to San Francisco, picked up rental car, drove down to my brother's place (he and his new wife are kitty-caring for Moto for the time being until we get our own place), spent a few days with the cute newlyweds and let Moto adjust, drove back up to the airport, got picked up by one of my best friends, and arrived at my parents house yesterday evening! Wooo! 

Aaaaand, when I got here, there was a wonderful package waiting for me! 

Thank you, CuppaKim, for a wonderful Mug Swap! 

And thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, sweet Cindy, for such adorable mugs!! 

I've wanted these mugs for a looong time, they're the kind where you can stash your tea bag on the side pocket when it's steeped long enough--so nifty! 

And that, my friends, is how the last couple of days have been.
We are missing our Korea-home and Korea-family whilst still being excited and happy with Cali-family and Cali-friends. It's very strange to be feeling both emotions at the same time.
And since we gained a whole day when flying from Korea to California,
we're also adjusting to a different time zone and trying to figure out what day it really is.

But for now, I'm just going to relax with a cup of tea in my new cute mug.
Here's to being unemployed! 

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This is not the end.

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Twenty-seven.

27 years of life. 

14 years walking with Jesus. 

5 years with an amazing husband. 

4 years adventuring in South Korea. 

8 more days until California. 

An uncountable amount of people who love me. 

I am so thankful. 

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Whirlwind Wedding Weekend

John and I are now back in Korea after our whirlwind trip home to California for my brother's wedding. It was SO beautiful! We had such a wonderful time seeing family and friends, and celebrating my brother and his new wife. 

Here are some photos of the beautiful day: 

Getting ready with the seester & my big girl shoes. 

From top left, clockwise: brother, dad, mom, husband

Here comes the beeeeautiful bride! 

The handoff. 

CUTE decorations! 

Dancing in to the reception. 

Table 12--I helped make the wedding favors! 

Speeches & songs. 

Dancing & cake. 

The getaway car. 

Congratulations SO much, Mr. & Mrs. Majzoub! 

I love you both dearly! 

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Déjà vu

Around this time, in August 2008, I was crying. 

We had quit our jobs, sold or given away most of our stuff, moved in with my parents for a month, and we were just a few days away from moving across the world--far from cultural familiarity, family, and friends--to South Korea to take jobs that we didn't know how to do. 

I woke up in the middle of the night, weeping. 

I felt so scared, so not ready, so overwhelmed, so emotional, so inadequate, so insecure. 

I didn't want to leave my family and friends, my home, my idea of happy. 

I wept and wept, hot tears covering my pillow, until I couldn't breathe. 

My brother and my husband rushed in to comfort me, 

but they couldn't take away the fear, the pain of being uprooted. 

Anne said it best, 

"'I've put out a lot of little roots these two years,' Anne told the moon, 

'and when I'm pulled up they're going to hurt a great deal.'"

Little did I know then what God had in store for me. 

As it turns out, it was way better than I could ever have dreamed. 

And now, four years later, with a heart full of new framily members (framily = friends that are as close to you as family), a head full of new memories and experiences, and a hand full of new skills, I'm crying. 

And I can't stop. 

There's a big chunk of my heart that is SO excited to be returning 'home' to California. 

I am overjoyed at the thoughts of seeing and doing life with family and friends again. 

And, I'm not going to lie, I can't wait to go to Target and the Safeway produce section.

But...

the other big chunk of my heart HURTS. 

I feel so scared, so not ready, so overwhelmed, so emotional, so inadequate, so insecure.

I don't want to leave. 

I don't want to leave my framily, I don't want to move across the world again, I don't want to make a transition,  I don't want to feel culture shock in my own culture, I don't want to tear apart our little apartment, and I just don't want to 

stop doing life as I know it. 

That tear-stained night in August 2008 helps me believe that these tear-stained days of August 2012 will bring forth more of God's good plans for my life. And just as I didn't expect it then, it may be better that I could ever dream.

 And yet... 

I have put down many roots these last four years,  

and when I'm pulled up, it's going to hurt a great deal. 

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Soaking it up

These are our last days in Korea and I want to soak it all up as much as possible. 

These are the days we will probably remember most vividly in the future, 

so I'm hoping to make them good ones. 

Two weekends ago we visited a beautiful east coast beach with some dear friends. 

We have always wanted to make the trip to this specific area, 

and we were finally able to go. 

It was a super relaxing weekend, filled with walks on the beach, good food, 

and great conversations. 

Other things we've been up to these days:

Teaching the last month of our ESL classes. 

I can't believe that after 4 years of this, we're almost done. 

Enjoying the bright, long summer nights, 

and trying to stay cool in the humid heat. 

I bought a new day planner, and I love it. 

It's full of all sorts of wonderful Konglish. :) 

(Konglish = Korean + not so good English) 

We've been doing a lot of driving these days, which is unusual for us. 

We don't drive our car that much, because Korean public transportation is so great. 

But these days, we're driving a lot; driving to see dear friends and familiar places. 

Driving to save time and stay out of the heat. 

Here's one of those dear friends that we often drive to see. 

He's the cutest. 

I've also been working on something secret and exciting! 

I'll let you know when the time is right. ;) 

I even found some time to sew recently! 

It's been such a long time since I've been able to sit down and sew something pretty. 

What do you think of my new shirt? 

That's all for now, friends. 

Stay tuned for more posts as I try my best to chronicle our last month in Korea. 

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