Friday, August 3, 2012

Déjà vu

Around this time, in August 2008, I was crying. 

We had quit our jobs, sold or given away most of our stuff, moved in with my parents for a month, and we were just a few days away from moving across the world--far from cultural familiarity, family, and friends--to South Korea to take jobs that we didn't know how to do. 

I woke up in the middle of the night, weeping. 

I felt so scared, so not ready, so overwhelmed, so emotional, so inadequate, so insecure. 
I didn't want to leave my family and friends, my home, my idea of happy. 
I wept and wept, hot tears covering my pillow, until I couldn't breathe. 
My brother and my husband rushed in to comfort me, 
but they couldn't take away the fear, the pain of being uprooted. 

Anne said it best, 
"'I've put out a lot of little roots these two years,' Anne told the moon, 
'and when I'm pulled up they're going to hurt a great deal.'"

Little did I know then what God had in store for me. 
As it turns out, it was way better than I could ever have dreamed. 

And now, four years later, with a heart full of new framily members (framily = friends that are as close to you as family), a head full of new memories and experiences, and a hand full of new skills, I'm crying. 

And I can't stop. 

There's a big chunk of my heart that is SO excited to be returning 'home' to California. 
I am overjoyed at the thoughts of seeing and doing life with family and friends again. 
And, I'm not going to lie, I can't wait to go to Target and the Safeway produce section.


the other big chunk of my heart HURTS. 
I feel so scared, so not ready, so overwhelmed, so emotional, so inadequate, so insecure.
I don't want to leave. 
I don't want to leave my framily, I don't want to move across the world again, I don't want to make a transition,  I don't want to feel culture shock in my own culture, I don't want to tear apart our little apartment, and I just don't want to 
stop doing life as I know it. 

That tear-stained night in August 2008 helps me believe that these tear-stained days of August 2012 will bring forth more of God's good plans for my life. And just as I didn't expect it then, it may be better that I could ever dream.

 And yet... 

I have put down many roots these last four years,  
and when I'm pulled up, it's going to hurt a great deal. 


  1. Oh gosh. Reading this makes me cry as well.Not necessarily over the fact that I'm making this huge transition as well, but mostly over the fact that you and John are leaving. Dear friend, words can't describe how grateful I am to have spend these years with you. And while it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll see you when I get back to the States as well, I can't help but be saddened by your upcoming departure. Many roots, indeed. <3

  2. Pulling up roots indeed, but your main roots are grounded in Jesus and He has plans to prune and grow you in beautiful ways! Praying for a deep, wonderful, thoughtful transition for you.


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